You Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

"You Never Let Go" by David Crowder

It is true. In the deepest of holes, in the darkest of pits, in the most gut-wrenching pain, God does not let go of his children. It wasn't until I experienced pain, true and real pain, that I was able to understand the love and grace of God, that I had heard about my entire life, that I had travelled the world telling people about. I didn't understand it for myself, until I was at the end of my rope and I needed grace and love the most. And I was met in that place..... And just as God met me in that place with unexplainable and undeniable grace and love, not that it was necessary, but my soul responded reciprocally that no matter the reality of my pain and what I was feeling, I would never let go of God. Just as David gave orders in the Psalms to "put your hope in God" and encouraged himself when he himself was in a dark and painful pit, I too, found it just as important to tell my soul the same thing. Songs that contain the words "You Never Let Go" or "You Hold Me Now" are songs that hit home the most with me concerning the season of despair that I faced, during a season in the past 4 years. But now I am on the other side of the mountain that I had to climb. Sometimes, God had to let go of my hand and let me walk and dredge along with my own strength, sometimes friends took me by the hand and encouraged me to keep walking, and sometimes God had to carry me on his back in order to reach the top. But now, I'm running down the other side of the mountain....and it's hard to remember what the pain felt like.

A Walk in the Field

One day the father and the boy went for a walk in the field. The father took the boy by the hand and said, "Come this way boy, I have something I want to show you." It was a beautiful day, only a few grand, white, puffy clouds were making their home in the richest of blue sky that day. The sun was shining magnificently across the rich green field. As they walked along, the father was telling the boy stories of when he was a child and he used to play for hours in this same field. They walked past a stream, filled with beautiful shiny rocks and several fish, and the boy exclaimed, "Look father, look at how beautiful that stream is! Ahh! There's even fish in there father!" The father replied, "Yes boy, it's quite pretty, but keep walking, I have something even greater that I want to show you." As they continued to walk, the father and the boy laughed together, deep belly laughs. They approached a grove of trees and the boy peeked in past the brush and into the grove. "Ahhh father! Look!" Walking through the trees were several deer and even a couple moose. "Father, look at how huge those moose are! This is amazing! Is this what you wanted to show me?" "Keep walking boy," the father replied. "I have something even more incredible to show you." As they walked along, for a moment they reflected on the life of the boy's mother and how much they both missed her. She had passed away when the boy was very young, but only a few years ago. The boy looked up and saw a tear rolling down the cheek of his father and felt his hand begin to tremble. The father sighed, "Keep walking my boy, it's not much further." The father and the boy were approaching a steep hill and at the crest of the hill was shining a glorious light. A light so bright that it was causing the boy to have to squint. "It's just over this hill boy," the father said. "Father, it's so bright," the boy said. As they reached the top of the hill, the father had the biggest of smiles on his face. The boy could not believe his eyes and what he was looking at. He didn't know whether to shout or cry or laugh or keel over in shock or let go of his father's hand and run towards what he was seeing or run away in the opposite direction back down the hill or tremble in fear. The boy whispered, "Father, I have never seen anything more beautiful and more glorious in all of my life. What is this place?" And the father said, "This is yours my son, this is what I have for you....."

New Year, New Decade, New Tomorrow

We are 11 days into the New Year, the New Decade. Before I've realized any time has passed, it will be March, then May, July, September, New Year's Eve. I wonder if on December 31, 2010 I will have feel accomplished in all that I set out to do in 2010. I've learned, no, I'm learning it's important to write down goals, to write down dreams and not just leave them as some abstract and obscure object somewhere "out there." If that is how my dreams and goals remain, how do I know when they are accomplished, what they are, or if I am making any progress.

In the latter half of 2009, I became rather fascinated by Blake Mycoskie, the founder of TOMS Shoes. I did an informative speech on TOMS Shoes, which I am thankful for because most of my fellow classmates had never heard of TOMS. Some of them even planned on giving TOMS as gifts for Christmas. I learned that even if I question it or think it foolish it's important to use my voice for good, to promote those things that I feel are important and that I am passionate about. Blake is in his early 30's. A young entrepeneur who started with a simple idea and a dream. To put shoes on the feet of children who don't have any. His dream has blown up and come into fruition and TOMS Shoes has given over 400,000 pairs of shoes away to date. Change starts with one person and a single dream. The next step is telling people, maybe even getting a few people excited about your dream and on board with your dream. It will probably take an incredible amount of hard work, pain, sacrifice, humiliation and selflessness to see the dream take shape, but that is what life on this earth is supposed to be about. When Cain killed his brother Abel, God cursed the ground and from that point forward man has been forced to work hard for less than the best of what God truly intended to bless his children with, from the beginning.

I'm not sure yet what my goals are for 2010. I haven't written them down yet. I just know that a year from now, I want to look back on 2010, knowing that I have worked hard to accomplish the dreams in my heart, and that along the way, those closest to me, those I come in contact with, know that they are loved and have value.

Here is an email I received a few days ago from Blake Mycoskie:

Dear Mark Trout --

What is your vision for tomorrow?

While traveling in Argentina a few years ago, I met barefoot children who were struggling just to
get through their daily lives. I desperately wanted to give them shoes for a better tomorrow,
which led to the creation of TOMS. Since that time you -- the TOMS community -- have given
away over 400,000 pairs of shoes to children around the world through our giving partners.

I couldn't have imagined that one simple idea -- all children deserving shoes -- would create such
an astonishing movement. Thank you for embracing this dream and helping to create the TOMS
community we have today.

Our goal at TOMS is to be a company who wants a better tomorrow for everyone -- it is so
central to our mission it is how we came up with our name (TOMS stands for tomorrow). And
we believe we all have experiences that lead us to want to make a difference in the world.

Most great ideas start small and close to home. What are your ideas of improving yourself, your
community, and even our world? No idea is too big or too small. Believe me, you never know
where the act of writing down your dreams will lead.

Just a few years ago I took a moment to write down my vision for tomorrow, and I hope you will
do the same on TOMS.com now:

We look forward to being inspired -- there's a big world to change out there.

Carpe diem,
--Blake

harvest the good life.

today

I wonder when I will fully grasp the importance of focusing on today and grabbing a hold of all that today has to offer. Will I ever grasp it is the question? Or will it be a lifelong struggle, part of my struggle on this journey to my personal legend? I'm a dreamer. I have come to accept that as one of the greatest beauties in my life and as one of the greatest curses. So often in life our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness and I have come to accept the fact that mine is that I am a dreamer. I dream all day long. Of a better life for all creation, of how to change the world, of how to put my small ideas into motion, of how to make my big dreams come to life, of how to take away the pain of my friends around me, how to take away the pain of the billions of people who don't have clean water or enough food or are dying of AIDS each day, how to love my neighbor as I love myself, how to serve God and serve others, of where I will finish up my education and what I will do once I have finished it, I wonder if the pain, the scar tissue that is over my heart will ever truly go away or if it will always be there as a reminder of the healing that Jesus has done in my life, I dream of holding orphans in Africa, I dream of a cleaner, greener earth, of ending global warming, of the church being united as one body under Christ, of ending the sex trade, of reading this book and that book and gaining all the wisdom and knowledge that life has to offer, of being an amazing guitar player, of working in a coffee shop in Portland, of living and building community with my best friends, of new wineskin, of a totally brand new "structure" for the church, of beautiful, blissful, peaceful parks, of sitting on the tractor helping my dad on the farm, of the day when i will truly find my home in myself and in the restful, loving arms of the Father, and on and on. But when will I stop, rest, look around and see the beauty that is right in front of me? When will I allow my heart to rest in this moment and truly live for today and all that today has to offer? How many more tragic things need to happen in my world until I embrace the reality that there is no guarantee for tomorrow? When will that day come? When will I rest my head on my pillow on that day and know that I have lived fully for today? When? I know that day will come. The hope that is in my soul for that day will never fail. And even with a statement like that, I am still looking forward and dreaming of a future day. "I love today." I long for myself to say those words. When will I "wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving"? When will I embrace the words of Jesus Christ "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when that time comes"? When? Today.

one year gone by....?

"To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving"
What is here today can truly be gone in an instant tomorrow. I have come to know this to be incredibly true in my life. My last journal entry was from a year ago, as I was deeply saddened and heart broken at the loss of my beloved grandmother. There wasn't a person on this earth that loved me so perfectly as did my dear gramma. I wonder where this year has gone, how I could let a whole year slip by without a single blog entry. How pathetic and apathetic really. How about I start doing the things in life that bring me life and bring me joy? That sounds like a novel thought. How delightful it would be to break out of pattern and habit and routine and break into light, creativity, life and joy. To truly wake up each morning and thank God for the opportunity to love again and create some more. Each new day is such a precious gift. We never know when the wheel's will fall off our truck, or our friends will be diagnosed with cancer, or our loved ones will leave never to return again, or we will lose our jobs, or we will say good-bye to friends not knowing when we will see each other again. There is such precious invaluable treasure in each day that we are allowed to live and move and breathe. I have so many dreams in my heart. I am a dreamer. I have come to realize that. Come to accept that as a part of what makes me me. A part of my identity as a child of God. The truth of being a dreamer is that your dreams though incredibly beautiful, will never come to pass unless they are acted upon. A dream without action is rather useless. Beautiful yes, but un-tapped into beauty, at best. Beauty that never reached it's full potential. I am honestly tired of dreaming. I'm ready to get off my butt and put my dreams into motion. I am tired of being lazy. Or feeling lazy. I am too hard on myself sometimes, i know this. There are things in my life that need to change. Being Proactive was a phrase I grew to love from a year ago. I learned so much from so many amazing people in my community about being proactive. About taking the hands that I have been given an putting them to the plow. Life is meant to be lived. I have faced adversity in my 27 years, especially in the last couple years. There are others who have faced adversity that I cannot fathom. What did I create with the adversity I have faced? That is the question I am asking myself. Created to create. Loved to love.

grandma's eulogy

Dear Grandma,

As I sit down to write your eulogy, my praise for your life, I find it rather difficult to try and sum up your life, the memories, and what you have meant to me, to us, in but a page or two. That seems ridiculous. It feels like something that should be written in a novel or made into a movie. I am only one person amongst the many many people you have affected in your lifetime, thus making this seem like such a great privilege, yet impossible feat to be able to do. I do like the fact however, that I can brag you up as one of the greatest ladies that I will ever know, so beautiful, so loving and you can’t say a thing about it.

Grandma, we’ve always been so close, and you played such a large role in my life. For the first 9 years of my life we lived in the same yard. And I’m hoping that you thought that was as great of a privilege as I did. You always tell the story of how one day you heard a knock on your door, it was me and I told you that mom had kicked me out of the house. So going to Grandma’s house wasn’t that big of a deal, one because it was only several yards away and two it was just something I did on occasion when I got into trouble. Of course it was much more than that. I remember when I used to ride in the combine with Grandpa you would always make us bologna and cheese sandwiches. To this day I still can’t figure out why they tasted so good. Apparently because you had some sort of special touch.

Growing up I made many trips with you and grandpa. Coffee nips and lemon-drops are some of my most vidid memories about those trips to be honest. Oh and on occasion you would give me one of those sugar-free candies and honestly Grandma, they never tasted very good, but I don’t think I said anything then because I probably didn’t want to make you feel bad. I remember all the “close calls” we had when we were traveling. We would always start our trips with prayer, asking for God to watch over us. Whether it was flying lawn chairs or having a car go from one ditch to the other right in front of us we were always safe. So I learned rather young of the God who protected us when we drove in the car.

I also made many camping trips with you and Grandpa, mostly to the Mouse River Park. Now camping with you and Grandpa never quite would be classified as “roughing it”. We didn’t make camp fires because we had the heater in the camper to keep us warm. And we didn’t use the stove in the camper because that was for food storage not food preparation so we ate at the cafe a lot. But oh how I loved those camping trips.

There is two words that us grandkids will never be able to forget and that’s strawberry shortcake and carmel bars.

I could go on and on with memories Grandma but I don’t think I would ever be satisfied because I would want to recount them all. I’m finding myself able to be so thankful, so incredibly thankful for each memory I have. One of the sweetest and most recent is this past Christmas, when all but two of us were crammed in your hospital room with you. Even with pneumonia and having to spend Christmas in a hospital bed you seemed so full of joy. And how amazing of a moment was that to look around that hospital room to see what you and Grandpa have done. The fruit of your labor. Your kids and grandkids all together, laughing together, singing together and giving you a hard time even when you were sick. But there in that room was what brought you the greatest joy, your family.

And in the days and years ahead I will continue to reflect on those memories. I think a part of me believed that you would always be around but sadly knew you probably wouldn’t. Over the past few years whenever I have been back to visit, you and Grandpa have had to tell me that “we may not be around when you come back”. You made such a rich deposit into my life that it’s hard to not cry when I really stop and think what you have meant to me. Because I know that I am who I am in large part because of what you taught me, how you loved me and the example that you set for me. I doubt if you care about all the things I accomplished in school or what I accomplished in baseball or anything else on paper that looks very good. I think what you are most proud of is first that I’m your grandson and second that I know Jesus. Even Grandpa and your kids and grandkids were secondary to how you loved Jesus. How fitting of your life Grandma, that in the same week we are celebrating your life we will be celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. I don’t think you would have wanted to have it any other way.

Grandpa told me that you had been telling him over that past few months, that you were “worn out”. Maybe all your stubbornness was making you tired. I mean, c’mon Grandma, how many 80 year olds get their hip replaced and don’t use so much as a cane afterwards or do something called physical therapy. Nope, not you. There you were with a new hip as agile as ever. We couldn’t slow you down and neither could Grandpa. I guess I wasn’t too surprised. You’ve always been so strong. And your body failed from a heart that got too big. All your loving, all your caring, all your giving, all your sharing, all your hugs and all your kisses…your heart just got too big and couldn’t contain all the love that was stored up in there.

Grandma, I think you’d be pretty upset with us if we were just sad today. If we only mourned your loss. There has never been a moment that you or Grandpa or our family have been in that there wasn’t laughter. What a precious gift our family has to be able to laugh together. I know you would want this day to be a celebration of your life and a rejoicing with you because of where you are at right now. Where you’re at there is no diabetes, no arthritis, no sore feet, no pain at all. Jesus wanted his faithful daughter t come home. And I bet you’re dancing with Jesus. I bet you’re singing with Jesus. You always loved to sing Grandma and what a beautiful voice you had. This life isn’t the end all. I think you taught us that well. There is more than just this life. There is an eternity to be spent in Heaven. As we’re missing you, thinking about you, wishing you were here, wondering why you’re gone; I’m sure you’re missing us too, but you’re probably having way too much fun. There is more joy there, where you are than I bet you know how to contain. I think you would tell us, “Hold on to Jesus and hold on to each other”.

As the only grandson to carry on the family name, I will do so proudly Grandma. You and Grandpa taught me the importance of re-telling stories and carrying on our heritage. I can’t wait to sit down with my kids someday and re-tell your story. I love you Grandma and I will miss you, but I will see you again someday. You have fought the good fight of faith, you have finished the race. I’m so very proud of you. Thank you for being the best Grandma that a grandson could ever have.